I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize