I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
