I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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