New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
