I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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