'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
