Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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