last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
