How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
