I just threw up on my dentist
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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