didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize