There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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