yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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