I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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