i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
