On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
