Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
