I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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