I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
cat food counts as protein by the way
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize