So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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