Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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