Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
