Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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