i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
