Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
