I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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