More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
