I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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