doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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