nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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