My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
