I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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