I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
