he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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