Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
