If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
