what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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