He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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