just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
