it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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