I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
