and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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