i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
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