I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
