I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
