Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
