so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
