I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
