It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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