just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I feel like abortions should bother me more
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize