i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
