it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
