you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
