Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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