I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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