I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
The struggles of a small town man whore
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
