You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
