True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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