Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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