ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
The ass gains better be worth it
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