I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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