Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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