If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
