First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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